My $900 Realization

It seems that whenever I attempt to improve myself I bump into guilt, hard! As in when I backed into a monolithic concrete parking pillar. I was going to a class in DC put on by another instructor, and was parking in the hotel parking lot. Well, I got cocky and tried to back in. The left rear panel was crushed and the light cracked. Nine hundred dollars later I asked my inner family. “Why? Why is my inner family showing this experience to me? Shouldn’t we be pleased that I’m looking at the Self, paying attention, taking responsibility for everything that comes up for me? Perhaps the number of my perceived transgressions is incalculable? I believe I have earned the blame I dole out? I get too angry and frustrated?”

Whatever…now I’ve have added moreworries to the original problem. More frustrating than that, similar problems continue to show up,  carving a deeper and deeper groove in the Subconscious mind. Poor Subconscious is burdened with layers of memories that build up until an urgent, or dramatic, or painful incident occurs, and we are finally forced to look at not them…but ourselves. 

Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona said, “If we can accept that we are the sum total of all past thoughts, emotions, words, deeds and actions and that our present lives and choices are colored or shaded by this memory bank of the past, then we begin to see how a process of correcting or setting aright can change our lives, our families and our society.”

More often, the light, the Love within us is dimmed. This undeserved guilt blocks mine and our every decision—whether we are aware of it or not. Like when you tell everyone you’re eating Paleo, and you go home and eat a whole package of Hobnobs. Guilt, self-loathing, unworthiness.

But we, and I, can choose differently. I can take care of Self and be aware of what it is telling me in each moment. I can be aware that Reality, the stuff that seems to be “out there”, is shown to me by my Subconscious as a reflection. Thank you, dear Subconscious, for showing me what is going on in me, and reflecting it back. The reflections of health problems, financial problems, White House problems give me an opportunity to either react, or to respond. 

Which brings me back to the Pillar...And here it is: the decision point. Will I react or respond. Reaction says: “God damn it! This damn pillar takes up half the spot.” “This will cost me a fortune.” “Now I don’t even want to go. I wish I hadn’t ever registered for this stupid thing!”

Respond says: “Shoot, not sure how I missed a pillar the size of Utah!” And I go to see the damage, unconcerned. I am happy I went. I fully embrace and enjoy the class. The damage is immediately fixed when I get home . It was a fortune that I happily paid. 

You know, we don’t have to wait until we reach a crisis—an accident, a disease, a jail cell—before we decide to do something about our painful thoughts and circumstances. If we can accept the premise that all life experiences are here to benefit us, perhaps we can approach them in a gentler, more loving way.   

Guilt belongs to the past. Love belongs in the Now. Love says: “Now, I choose to turn away from anger, blame, resentment—and all negative thoughts and emotions. Thank you for showing me what is going on in me. Not out there, but in me! Now I understand. How can I perceive Peace out there, when it is not alive in myself?” There is no out there, out there.

There is no out there, out there. This declaration, when sincerely made, will dissolve the guilt within, making open spaces for Love and Peace. Now, that is definitely worth $900.

Peace Begins With Me

Regina Milano